3-D Flavors

I have been doing a Cost of Living survey for a company this week. I have to go to different stores, one being walmart and writing down prices of different things you need like Asprin.

Yesterday, in Walmart in the Pharmacy section, a fat old bearded man in a motor wheelchair stops me.

"Stool Softner"- he yells at me.
"Huh?" I say
Old Man:"Stool Softner! Where is it?"
Me: "Uh, Sir, I don't work here."
Old Man: "Then why are you carrying a damn clipboard?"
Me: ...Blank Stare...
Me: That isle (right behind me) says Incontinence... maybe that would help...
Old Man: Blank stare...

Later I realize what Incontinence means... And it was full of depends....

Photo by Alison Hissey

Ohh, Uh, Ohh, Erection

About a year ago I worked at an Animal Emergency Hospital, some of my best awkward moments come from there....
At work Feburary 16, a Friday night, a woman called frantically on the phone because her dog's penis had been errect for several hours. And was asking what to do. She says since she has heard its so bad for a man to have this problem, it must be bad for a dog too. As I was listening to her story, I quickly scribbled on a scrap piece of paper... Erection for more than 3 hours, what to do? The Vet Technician didnt giggle, or think it was as funny as I did, she gave me instructions on what to tell her.

Me: Miss, do you have any sugar and lubricant?
Lady: Yes.....why?
Me: What you need to do is take some sugar and rub it on his erection ( I am trying so hard not to laugh at this point)
Me: Then put on lubricant, The erection will go away within 20 minutes. If you arent comfortable doing this, you can bring him in for an exam by our doctor, which would be $75.
Lady: Ok, no problem. Wait, what do you mean by lubricant?
Me: Like, KY Jelly or something.
Lady: What? you mean like the *whispering* sex stuff?
Me: Yes, *laughing* thats what my Vet Technician said.
Lady: alright, if you think it will work, I guess..

40 minutes later
I answer the phone.
Lady: My dogs erection is still there. I didnt have any of that Jelly stuff so I am on my way over.
I then go to the emergency board and write 8:15 Erection that wont go away.
No one giggles. Except me. I picture this ugly older woman.

This very pretty young 25ish female comes in.
Hi, I m the woman in here on a Saturday night... with a dog whose penis wont go down.
So, I let the Vet Tech know the patient is here. They come out to ask a few questions.
They take the dog to the ER room.

The 25ish female says to me.... This is so embarrassing... I didnt have any lubricant... I ran out... *akward pause* It was just Valentines Day, you know....

Flash to Lisa taking 8 deep breaths so she won't laugh.....

Then I thought, wouldnt have been less embarrassing/easier/ $65 cheaper just to go to CVS and get some lubricant?
Awkward moment #10365: Your dog's had an erection for over 3 hours, and you've run out of jelly because of Valentines day...and you come to me for help!


Photo by Altraa

Too many people miss the silver lining because they're expecting the gold. I feel like I might have lost everything.

Halloween parties, oh what fun they can be in college. Our friend invited me, Sharp (best friend,) and Berg. We weren't too interested, but when we went for a starbucks run that night, working were two hot boys that Sharp was always flirting with. They said they were going after work about midnight. We decided we must go, for the good of Sharp.

We went back to the Lounge (where Berg lived) and caught a cat nap. Yes, thats right, we needed a nap to stay up and go to a party. We wake up drive over there, all koo like. We drive by 3 times, 3 more times, there are 4 people outside just sitting on old couches. I want to go home but no one will let me.
We park far way, and walk up so no one recongizes that we just drove by 6 times. Berg insisted as wearing a Santa Hat, to the party, since he thought people would be dressed up.
We knock on the door. "C" opens the door, who had just dated and broke up with a great friend of mine.
Me: Hi, is D here?
C:(girl pictured at top) Yes, She's in bed, sleeping I think... and her boyfriends in there...
C: But come in!
On our way into the house, she explains in a manner, that most people would think she was drunk but thats just her happy personality... always acting drunk.

Awkward Moment #8756: Asking if we were even invited to this party, we just arrived at.
She explains that she dressed up for Halloween as the Silver lining. After we all ask her several times, what, the silver what? She shouts "Were you guys even invited to this?!"

We stay for 2 minutes watching about 4 people dance wildly, including her. Then we walk out. Berg then exclaims, "I feel like such a dork in this Santa Hat!"

I dont see the "silver lining" but whatever!

Pop Off, Son!

Senior Year, I had to take Enlish Literature with a Professor who enjoyed playing
Henry David Throreau live. He had this fixation on acting like him for an entire day, and generally I feel like he thought he might really gave been reincarnated into him.

I had heard from Berg what a hard professor he could be, and since I don't do great with reading comprehension of shakespeare type literature, I knew it would be tough.

I sat 3 seats cattycorner (or kittycorner depending on where your from) from the hottest guy besides Jon Mclaughlin (yes thats right, I went to school with an up & coming gorgeous celebrity & I've seen him in a speedo).
Anyhow, this guy known as "Launchpad from Darkwing Duck or something, was a hunk.

Awkward Moment #4565: Getting yelled at for popping your gum in class, infront of the hunkiest guy in school.

We had class for a couple weeks, and before class, like 2 minutes before it started. Dr Radacker said: "You are very rude young lady. Stop popping those bubbles IMMEDIATLEY. You do it everyday, and I'm SICK OF IT! 1 more time, and I'm kicking you out" (His head looked like it was about to pop off).
Me: "uh, me? Ok"

I, never getting into trouble peer over to launchpad, with his cute little chin looking at me I feel my eyes filling with tears. For some reason, I'm just that kind of person.
I am so furious, Ok popping my bubbles, is a habit, a bad habit that I am not necessarily aware of. He shouldn't have called me out infront of everyone.
I tell Berg, and he has this "sucking up" policy. He kisses ass, so much its painful to watch. He suggests I "be a big person" and go talk to him and apologize. Yeah, right. Pfft.

After thinking about what such a bad grade I have, and looking at Bergs 4.0 I thought, that it couldnt hurt. So I did.

I said, I just wanted to apologize, and want you to know that I have a bad habit, and didn't even realize what I was doing. I'm so sorry for disrupting your class.
He just sat back and stared. He then said, I have never had a student apologize for something. And I guess I have to apologize too. I can't believe I yelled at you like that. I am so sorry, my mother has that same habit, and I can't believe I didnt think before I ... yelled.."

I think that saved my grade, b/c I didn't deserve the barely passing grade I received. Here's to sucking up! Try it, but only once, otherwise you're face will get stuck like that!

*Who else is super excited for Paris Hiltons BFF?!

"So what I'm still a rock star, I got my rock moves."

If you remember a previous post about running to the bathroom during Dr. Shrocks class when he called on me this awkward moment will be enjoyable for you.
I walk into the grocery store, & go grab a cart. I notice this man looking at me. He keeps looking at me, and since I live in a small town, I figure he knows my parents or my in laws. I then notice, I recongize him from AU, and think he was my Sophmore Developemental Psych Professor, Dr. Vogh (who was super koo). So we smile at each other, then he comes over. I loved Dr. Vogh so I wasn't annoyed as usual.

He asks if I went to AU, and I said yes, I then say, how much I loved his class (thinking Psych). He acted astonished that I enjoyed his class so much. Then it clicked, it was Dr. Shrock!
He said, "I remember you, you were the student I had that would run out of class everytime I called on her... Yes, yes, Lisa. Do you know how many people I have enjoyed telling that story to? I just can't believe someone had the gull to do that. You know I almost flunked you just for doing that. I was so angry at the time."
Me: "Uh, well, thanks for not?..."
Dr.S: "I didnt because you had such a great last paper. I use that for examples of how other student's should write. (I was not a good student so I was surprised)
You should have really stuck around in class, I bet you would have gotten better grades. I could never forget that face, I thought about you every night, I thought, How can I get her to answer a question of mine. And I never did."
Me: "Sorry, I just don't feel like since I'm paying $24,000 a year, I should have to answer questions. But your class was my favorite history class ever and not just because I spent most of it in the bathroom!"

"And I can't do this, And I don't do that."

My senior year, Berg had a big "Awards" dinner for this gay little club called SIFE. It was a club for business students to get experience with helping real businesses in town, and Berg was the President. For some reason the students in this club worshiped him, like he was a god. I should know, because he was very popular, and I wasn't. I constantly heard walking around campus, Berg is so koo...blah blah blah.

Anyone heard of Rate My Professors.com? Well I wrote a little comment about a certain Foxy Professor who was notorious for hard work and always having 8AM classes. Berg gave a speech about how SIFE and AU was so wonderful or something and made up some game where the professors had to guess what statement (on Ratemyprofessors)went with which professor. I was bored, and only 1/2 paying attention. Then he says, something like, "It's worth getting a C and getting up @ 8am for his class, because he is the hottest professor ever!"
I sat there, peeking around... did the site keep you anyoumous? Did I tell Berg I posted that? Surely he wouldn't call me out. I sit there not moving a muscle.

He didn't say anything about it being me.

2 days later, I asked Berg if he knew it was me that posted that. He said no, but if he had, he definetly would have put my name at the end of it. An awkward moment for just me, would have been oh, so awkward. Good thing I kept my mouth shut on that one!

"Ave Maria"

In June, my grandmother had a sudden stroke, she was incredibly healthy so it was a shock to everyone. The stroke was so bad that it shut down her breathing and she died. While we were sleeping at the hospital for 3 days, we shared a waiting room with 15 Pennyslvania Dutch Amish people.

They were hecka annoying, because whenever a commercial came on the tv, and we started talking they would run over (right next to us) and turn the tv off. (p.s. we were there 1st)

Also, for people who don' t believe in electricity or modern day conviences they sure enjoyed using the phone. Constantly people were calling them, and since they don' t have phones, I imagine they don't understand phone ettiqquite, because they were always yelling in what sounded like Yittish.

Awkward moment #5436: Having family guy on tv, and them making a joke about the Amish getting in so many horse and buggy accidents. I didn't have the courage to look at them, my sister and I just tried to hold in our giggles.

The next day, my aunts get in a fight with the doctor about putting my grandmother down. (Yeah, like a dog) and after everyone leaves to argue and gossip in the hall, but me, I am left alone with 15 Amish people.

One older Amish lady, comes over and asks whats wrong, and I explain. I ask why they are at the hospital. She explains that their son and daughter in law got in a terrible horse and buggy accident. Their son was untouched, but his wife was stomped on by the horse and buggy several times, because the horse got spooked. The wife would make it, but she had parts of her skull, chest and pelvis crushed. I asked if this happens very often, and she replied, No, but apparently thats what the world thinks of them, since tv makes fun of them...

Then my aunts come in and start cussing and yelling at each other about how & when to euthanize my grandmother.

*I am now grandparentless, so no more death stories! I promise!~*

"I wanna break free, I wanna make it"

So I twittered, a few days ago about a job interview...How exciting. I got the interview thru people who knew people who knew me. The position is for a Personal Assistant. "Marcie" is a prominent woman in the community who serves on several boards. One of those boards is for a celebrity, who my husband adores. Part of my job would be to plan parties. She wasn't specific whether the party would be on belaf of the certain celeb or her husbands business. But Berg is super excited, because he thinks he might get to meet him....

Anyhow.... I pulled up to the house, knowing it would be nice, but not expecting something you would see on Cribs! It would be soo nice to have a house like that! So we have the interview, a long interview, almost an hour! (I hate interviews that are like 20 minutes.) It ends, that she has never had a "Personal Assistant" before, so she needs to speak with her husband about how much they can pay me. She says she will call me the next day. I leave.

She didn't call. So I call her 2 days later.

Awkward moment #9321: Calling your prospective new boss to find out if you got the job, but she hasn't called because she's too busy going to the celebrity's board meeting!

I call her with the plan to say I was calling to see if you spoke with your husband and to see if you had any questions, but I got cut off before I could get the last part out. She says that she was to busy going to one of her board meetings, and didnt get to speak to him, and then he had a meeting the next night. I then try to stick in, I'm so sorry to bother you, I guess I'm just really excited to work for you. She replied, its ok, I'm just really really busy.

This lady was the nicest person I ever met. She seemed really honest and like she really wanted me to work for her. I don't think she would lead me on. And I don't think money would be an issue. I just hope she calls soon. It's driving me nuts! And I hope I get the job!

"Sometimes Le Cigar is just Le Cigar".

My great grandma MJ just died of cancer at the age of 93. My sister and I went to the showing, but my mother is in FL enjoying the waves of IKE so we had to go alone.



We knew it would be awkward but had no idea what was coming.

We walk in and there is only 15 people there. (All the showing's I have been to there is a line out the door. )

We walk towards the caskett and see my great aunt Joyce, she says Hello, and hugs us. We then turn to the husband (who is dying of Lung cancer, even when I was little I would annoying shout to him every Christmas, your going to die if you don't stop smoking! Apparently my parents never taught me restraint, I still haven't got it). The husband says Are you the one who used to pester me all the time? (He was Santa Claus and since I was told from 1 year old that he wasn't real, I was even more interested in him than most children).

Yes, I say, I did pester you all the time....

I thought so, he says, what's your names? We say that we are Cathy's daughters, Angie, and Lisa. He still doesn't recongize us. We stand there awkwardly looking at the caskett, and I am so proud of my sister because she has this odd fear of people in casketts, she can't stand to look at them. But she did. We then saw pictures across the room and the only Aunt who I knew would recongize us, so we walked over.

She exclaims, "There are my two girls!" Which is odd, since she married into the family and he is now dead, but she even came to my grandmothers funeral (and the family never gets together because of the constant fights they've had). Either way it was nice, that 1 person in our family knew our names. We look at the pictures and then see a group of people that I thought would know who we are. We walk over. Hello, we say. They stare blankly. One aunt says, uh, Ca-- Cat-Cathy's girls? Yes we say. We stand there. I ask, "How are you Debbie"? "Good", she replies. Silence. I look to Fred, possibly the fattest man alive. He once broke the seat at our town theater and it's never been fixed in 20 years. He smiles back waves, I can't explain it, but I gave the most awkward wave back, but he was half not looking. Debbie was and started to giggle. I had enough at this point. I say, "It's been good to see all of you, but we have to get going".

Annoyed we walk to the exit. I see Aunt Anita, whom I lived next door to, She hugs us. We talk. I ask how her family is. I loved her, because she had 2 sons, I babysat for and all she had to do was count to 2 and the kids would stop being bad. That's the kinda kid I'm going to have. She takes us to her family, her husband Nick, looks at us blankly. He stares at us for 5 minutes while we talk to his wife. Nick then looks to my sister and says Lisa, What have you been up to? (Her name is Angie.) I point to myself, and say "I'm Lisa." He laughs, oh sorry. I say its, "ok. We look exactly the same (except my sister has gained 50 pounds) but we've been getting it all night. Only Aunt Betty knew our names, and we've seen her less than all of you." I then mumble how pathetic this family is. I angerly say that we have to get going.



We decide that since the night has been so horrible, we are going to our old favorite Chinese place we used to go to as kids.



My sister had already taken off the next morning to go to the funeral. But since I wasn't going she decided she couldn't go through it alone. So she didn't go. But told her bosses she did.

"I aint loving you the way I wanted to."

Awkward moment #4953: Visiting your cancer stricken great-grandmother who is only been given 2 weeks left to live, and she doesn't know who you are because you gained so much weight.

2 weeks ago my mother convinced me, my sister, & her boyfriend to accompany her to visit my sick great grandmother. Our family isn't super close but until I was 16, every Christmas Eve we would go to Mary Jane's house (great grandma) and eat, there were like 75 people.

Granted I hadn't seen her in 7 years, she couldn't gather the "strength" to come to my wedding, though I think she just didn't want to see my grandmother & have another famous feud.
She wasn't sick enough to not know who people are but here is the kicker.....

We sat talking with her for an hour and 45 minutes...she was asking my sister questions and saying how happy she was for her...
And then she says: I'm sorry... but I don't know who you are... We sit and stare...
My sister replies, I'm Angie, the oldest, I moved to california years ago...
MJ: Oh my, you've changed. I mean changed... She then puts her hands around her stomach, and puffs out her cheeks, you know, Changed.... (implying my sister has gained alot of weight, even though she used be a size 00 and now a 9)

How awkward is that!? Our own Great Grandma didn't know who she was!

"Running the race like a mouse in a cage."

I am very proud of the fact that I graduated from a private 4 year college. Even more proud of the fact that I graduated, by only attending class 40% of the time. At Anderson University, each professor felt like they had some kind of knowledge that no other professor had, therefore every single class that I had except, 1 class in all 4 years, had mandatory attendence. Generally you could miss 3 classes a semester. 3 -thats ridiculous. Anyhow, if a general class like History, was 4 times a week, I would attend once or twice a week. The rules of the syllubus stated, that percentage points would come off each missed class after 3. I'm not sure how I actually graduated, but I did, and to my knowledge I didn't get too many percentage points taken off, at least not as many as I deserved.

My favorite class that I repeatedly skipped was Great History from something to the 1940's. (All that I rememeber learning was about the Great Depression, but hey I think I'm an expert on that one). The professor, Dr. Shrock (pictured left) was new to our school and checked off the people who made comments during the class, and he expected everyone to talk at least twice a week.

I hated this idea, guess what, I have nothing relevant to say about the depression, why waste everyone's time?! And I am paying you to teach me, so I'm going to sit here and listen. Not speak. Anyhow... rant over.

So, every class I attended, he would always ask a question, and I would never respond. The classroom, was very large and it had a door in the front and a door in the back directly behind me.

The professor started out as usual, with the discussion questions. But this time he asks for someone who hasn't answered any questions. He then looks in the back row, Looks at me, points to me and starts to say, How about Li--? I got out of it the only way I knew how. I quickly got up and ran out of the room and went to the bathroom. (Even though I had a phobia of Public restrooms and rarely used them for like 5 years.)

From that day forward he would try to call on me and I would stand up & go to the bathroom. It was my stand to say, I'm paying for this crappy education, and I'm not answering your questions. He would play games with me. Sometimes, he would just blatently say my name with a question, or lock the back door, so I would have to go through the front door. But the joke was on him. When he called on me I would NEVER give him an answer, I would always say I don't know when he slyfully called on me. And when he locked the back door, I would discrupt the whole class by going through the front door.

Awkward moment # 4245: One day near the end of the semester he outsmarted me by locking the back door and the front door after I went to the bathroom. I had to sit outside of the class with by bookbag and cellphone in the classroom for the entire 50 minutes.

Annoyed when the session was over, I went in got my stuff. He "apologized" that somehow the door got locked. I responded with "thats too bad, I had a lot to say today".

I think he got my point because he never called on me in class again, and I never went to the bathroom during class after that.

Labor Day lovelyness

In the local grocery store yesterday, several of my friends and I decide to buy some food to cook out on the grill, we are walking to a line when all of a sudden this guy with long hair, very tall and lots of tattooes starts running through the 6 of us trying to get into the U-Scan line ahead of us with his girlfriend. He arrives after darting in and out of all of us, and almost stepping on my little toes to throw a candy bar (KitKat to be specific) onto the counter.

Tall Scary Tattooed man: "What the f*ck. "(muttering) to no one. He turns around to us.
Tall Scary Tattooed man: "What the f*ck, Man? You think you're f*cking funny?"
My friend King, (who is a bigger guy & could have taken him down) kinda looks around and decides this guy is talking to him.
King: "Me? uh, no... What's your problem?", kind of laughing.
Tall Scary Tattooed man: Steps incredibly close to King, sticks his chest out and says, "You think your funny gettin in my way?"
Tall Scary Tattooed man: "Nice glasses," points to his face and makes a 4 eyes gesture.
King: (Starts chuckeling) Your ridiculous.