The feeling's irresistible and that's how we movin'.

I went to Ribfest over the weekend... At one point this is the conversation:

Nathan: "Hey, that guy looks like your uncle."
(We all look at the person he is pointing to.)
Shannon: "Yes, I guess he does. "
Me: "Nuh, uh, that guy looks retarded."
Nathan stares at me, Shannon stares at me... Everyone else stares at me.
Me: "What? he does!" (trying to make the situation better because I just remembered that Nathan's brother is Retarded. I mean Mentally Handicapped. I mean Developmentally Delayed (new politically correct terminology).
I wasn't trying to be offensive, I was just saying that the guy looked retarded and not to compare the uncle to him. Because I thought that would be awkward.
I was wrong.

*for the record, I have worked with many mentally handicapped people, and I love them!*

On another note:

Turquoise Ribbons, posted about


I saw some interesting blogs that she linked us to. I can't find any on my own though, Everytime I search all I find is people updating pics of their families or foreign language blogs. Blarf!

Also,
I am going to be going on vacation in a couple weeks... I need some suggestions of good books. Please leave a comment if you have any good suggestions. I don't read much but, I enjoy the good ones! Even ones that might make me cry.

"I wanna be famous, I wanna be a star, I wanna be in movies,"

Since the Martin grandparents moved here from Iowa, and the grandpa has cancer, I offered to help them move in...

Awkward moment: #8489- Grandma Martin convinced your on your period and won't leave me alone about it.

I'm taking sheets and pillows out of boxes to make up the beds for the family coming into town that evening. All of a sudden I hear, Grandma Martin shout, "Hold on, I bet its Lisa, I bet she's on her period."

Stop....

I brace myself for what possible explanation she will give me to ask for such personal info as, "Are you on your period?"

Continue...

Grandma: "Lisa, Are you on your period?"
Me: "Uh, no. Are you?" (She's like 85 years old)
Grandma: *Sigh* "No, We all think you're on your period."
(Keep in mind the "We all" she's referring to is, Grandpa, herself, the mover person man, and his 8th grade son.)
Me: "Well, I'm not".... Can I ask why you would think I'm on my period?"
Grandma: "There's a drop of fresh blood out in the garage, Fresh I tell you! I got down on my hands and knees to smell it." (Yuck, this is my husbands grandma!) "Go check for me would you, check to see if you're on your period."
Me: "Uh, well as of 30 minutes ago, I wasn't. I'm positive that I am NOT on my period. Maybe someone cut themselves?"
Grandma: "Oh no, we checked ourselves, here lets check you."
*She starts grabbing my arms and twirling me around, I know shes looking at my butt...*
Me: "Nope, no blood, I didnt cut myselft, and I am not on my period."
Grandma: "Not on your period, for sure, does that mean....*whispers* your pregnant (as she throws her hands up into the air)?!"
Me: *Groaning* Pregnant, ugh, no. There is a way to be not pregnant and not on your period at the same time... remember how that works?," I say with a giggle!
Grandma: "Well, I 'd appreciate it if you'd check since we all think its you."
Me: "Alright, maybe I'll check later".
Grandma: (leaves the room, and shouts into the living room,) "Lisa said she's going to check soon to see if she's on her period, I bet it's her!"

As I follow her out of the room, I stop and everyone is staring at me... especially the 8th grade boy.

Would anyone else's grandma say that? Or did I just marry into the right bunch?
And for the record I was not on my period, nor pregnant!

"All I wanna do is (BANG BANG BANG BANG!), And (KKKAAAA CHING!), And take your money!"- Paper Planes by M.I.A.

Thursday was the grandparents 65th Anniversary, for this achievement we went to Oceanaire , which besides the point I didn't enjoy. My husbands alcoholic Aunt Emma flew in from Georgia. Seated around the eight person table, I was in the perfect position to not have to speak to anyone, instead I got to awkwardly listen to other people's conversation without them knowing.

At one point Aunt Emma shouts across the table to Dr. Rosenberg, How do you get Hepatitus?

Dr. Rosenberg:(her brother): "Uh, theres several different kinds, and ways to get it, but typically the kind you get is from not washing your hands after you use the bathroom."

Aunt Emma: See (to her husband) I told you thats how you got it! (Shouting in a restaurant where my chicken was $21.00 and my salad was $9.50 and a side of broccoli $6.50).

Awkward moment #6518: My husbands sister Jules, has 2 children, Noel (not the boys name) 4 and Preston 2 (who were not at dinner).

The conversation:

Jules: Aunt Em, what are you doing tomorrow around 3pm?

Aunt Em: Oh, nothing.

Jules: It would be great if you would come over to the house and visit Noel & Preston.

Aunt Em: Oh, um, I have errands to run tomorrow at 3.

Jules: You can't just swing by around 3 sometime to see the kids?

Aunt Em: No, no I can't, Jules. I have errands.. you know.

Jules: But you just flew in from Georgia 2 hours ago, what errands could you possibly have?

Aunt Em: Errands, you know. I 'm not visiting those 2 kids. no, errands (mumbling)

Jules: Sits there for about 30 seconds thinking. But the kids really want to see you.. (Really a 2 & 4 year old really want to see there crazy, alcoholic, ringacholic, sunk-in-face, tanoholic aunt?)( Just look at the pic, shes crazy.)

Aunt: *Sigh*, Jules I m not coming over to see those kids.

Jules sat there visibly upset at the thought that she didnt want to see her children.

20 minutes later, Dr. Rosenberg is talking about golfing after his surgery's the next day, and Aunt Em wants to go as well, but he already has his 4some party.

Aunt Em: Shouts across the table, even though he is sitting right next to her, " Then take me after you golf the 1st time, lets go at 3pm, I have nothing to do!"

I look across the table & Jules mouth is hanging open with despair, not quite able to believe that someone doesn't want to spend time with her precious children!

News flash, Jules: I don't want to spend time with your kids either!

"It's Such a Perfect Day, I remember, We were walking up to a strawberry swing."- Coldplay

Today I was driving a short distance to Steak 'N' Shake. After placing my Chicken fingers and fries order I pull up to the window.
There stands a geeky, overweight teenager with red hair, think of Jonah Hill, (Superbad) that was his attitude. He took my credit card and ran it.

While sitting there I heard this guy I could not see shouting:

"You need to have more confidence in yourself, some girls like red hair"
Geeky Kid: "leave me alone"
Guy: Just because none of us here at Steak N Shake like you doesn't mean you can't find anyone else to tolerate you"
Geeky Kid: Please stop! that girl is laughing at me. (pointing to me, who is singing along to "I kissed a girl")
Me: Sir, I'm not laughing at you. I think you should tell him to shut his mouth.
Guy: You need to be more confident, even when your happy you seem so depressed.
Geeky Kid: You know why I'm depressed? Huh, You wanna know why I'm depressed, I'll tell ya why. I'm depressed because I'm a fat kid, with red hair, working at Steak 'N' Shake trying to save enough money to get through college, and what depresses me is working every night with YOU! A 46 year old man, who has been working here forever! So LEAVE me ALONE!
Geeky Kid: "Heres your food, mis."
Me: "Thanks, Way to tell him!"
Geeky Kid: "Whatever, that food will make you fat you know."
Me: "Hey, If it makes you feel any better, I'm dyeing my hair red tomorrow."
Geeky Kid: It doesnt make me feel better, girls look fine with red hair. I just look stupid. real stupid. But thanks, thanks, alot, I feel so much better now. (in a sarcastic tone)

On the way home, I saw this which reads...

"Allstate Proud to Sponsor Brickyard but

Hasn't Paid this Claim." I found this funny, that someone

would go to such extreme's to spray paint their truck and bike

just to spread the word.

"It's ok if you wanna play dumb, It's ok if you fooled everyone, It's ok if you wanna have fun"-KaiserCartel

How to Fake an Illness for a Day off Work.

Faking an illness, is an art, and like any art it takes practice, preparation and commitment. When executed poorly, you lose the respect of your supervisor. When executed properly, you enjoy your day off of work and no one's the wiser. I learned how to fake an illness during my three-year stint at "Anonymous Retail Store" during college.

• Pick a night where you work three days in a row. If you're on for the entire weekend, you must begin on Friday night. When you walk into the store, you know the cute security guard will be watching you on the camera as you come in . Take a deep breath, and dont' breath for as long as you can. When they see you on camera, just when you can't hold your breath any longer, your face will look pale and your eyes sick. The plan is in motion.



• Next look at your schedule to make sure you are scheduled for the next two days. With this plan it is best to not come in for the next two days. Also, make sure you know when you're next scheduled to work after this weekend. Awkward moment #9321, faking sick and calling in the next week to get your schedule and your supervisor picking up. So find out now.



• Throughout the night, when you know the security guards are watching the cameras, shiver, like you are cold. Later roll up your sleeves like you are suddenly hot. You can touch your forhead or grab your stomach as if it aches. Whatever you choose, just keep doing it throughout the night.



• While taking your dinner break in the break room, grab a couple of asprin infront of your supervisor, if possible. But anyone will do. That way, when you're not there tomorrow, Nancy will say, "Oh I saw her taking asprin yesterday...she said she wasnt feeling great.



• If your supervisor or anyone stops by, and asks how you are, say something like "I'm fine...I just am not feeling...well...like myself.



• On the way out the door, when you pass other employees start rubbing your head, like it's aching.



• That night, if you're not up anyway, set your alarm for 3 a.m. Call in and leave a message. You're up sick in the middle of the night, and are too sick to make it in for your Saturday shift. It's the middle of the night, they'll buy it everytime. Don't give specifics.



• Be sure to take off on Sunday too. If you are really sick, two days is more believable, right?



• Most importantly, remember that even perfect planning and execution can lead to an awkward conversation when you run into your supervisor on her lunch break grabbing Mexican food at the Hacienda.



• Whether you're caught or not, wait one month and repeat. After all, it's a retail job in college.
  

Awkward Moment #1034: Enjoying your beautiful summer day off of work while faking to be sick. And while grabbing lunch at your favorite mexican restaurant, you run into your Manager on her lunch break. Handing the bill to your mother, you cover your head with your oversized purse and run out the door, only to crouch behind the smelliest garbage bin until they leave.

Stay tuned. New posts from "The Awkward Type" coming soon!