"A Million Here, A Million There"

Photo © Tristan Savatier - www.loupiote.com - Used by Permission.


About 2 years ago, I started getting calls/letters from Debt collection companies. I'm sure it sucks if you actually owe them money, but what sucks even more is when you don't owe them money, and then you find out you have Identity Theft.

I haven't had any more incidents until August. Protocol, is to go to the police, have them write down information for umm, 30 seconds! then send that report to the debt collector. In August, I had to beg the police to write a report. He finally did, but it was more of an issue about juridiction.

This month, its a matter of pure laziness. Here's where my Awkward moment #:8377 begins.
Its pouring down rain on Friday afternoon. I walk up to the desk, wearing a bright yellow sweater, with a matching headband. ( I tried to look cheery, so I might get cheery in return...didnt work). Good Afternoon, I say, with a smile. The women stares back. I recongize her from church, so I expect her to be nice you know like Jesus.

Good Afternoon, I say again, as she takes another chop stick full of take out chinese food and stuffs it to the back of her mouth, all while not taking her eyes off the television.

Coughs* Politely clearing my throat.
Me: Excuse me, Uh, I know your busy... But I need to file a report for ID theft...and I know you have more important things to do- she takes another big large chunk of Moo Sho Pork and stuffs it into her mouth, still watching the tv, and eating, she grabs a big packet and mutters with food in her mouth, no filing for id theft, take this.
I look at it, its documents from the FTC (goverment), which I already have filled out in my hands.
Me: Uh, mam, I already have that. And-
Cop: Then what are you doing here?
Me: I need to file a Police report.
Cop: (In an incredibly rude tone, that my mother wouldn't even dare try with me) We arent filing reports for ID theft anymore. File a report with the FTC.
Me: (timid as usual) uh, It says specifically in this document that I have to file a police report to get everything off my report...and uh, I'm trying to buy a house, and this is the 4th time, I've had ID theft... Please?
Cop: No. If you knew how to read, you'd see that you just have to file with the ftc. Look at page 4.
Me: Quickly looks at page 4. I tell her that the procedures, has 4 directions, number 3 is file a police report, number 4 is file with the ftc. And that if she could read, she would see that those are not options, but directions, as in follow all, and in order.
Cop: Yelling at me, she says that they are too busy to file reports and do the "Collection Agencys" job. And that she will not file a report.
Me: (I decide that I am fed up.) I pointed out that it takes 30 seconds of writing on her part. I came there in the dousling rain, and didn't ask for her to drive to me (which I could have done). Also, that she isn't fighting crime, but instead showing off her stunning chop-stick usuage skills (you'd think she'd be thin, eating with chop-sticks because it takes so long to eat, but no... shes a porker) But most importantly... It is my right as an American to file a report.
Cop: This is coming from my sargent, that we are no longer taking ID reports, there is no point, we don't prosecute them or search for them.
Me: Exactly, while your getting fat on Chinese food, there is someone out there, charging thousands of dollars in bills in my name, because they can... And DO YOU KNOW WHY?
Cop: silence
Me: Because you don't investigate them! So its YOUR fault. So do part of your job either the part that stops these criminals from doing it in the first place, or file the flippin' report! Now put down the chopstick and write my report.
Cop: Picks up the phone: Calls in my report.. Hi, I've got some little tart here trying to file a ID theft report. I know, I know I told her. But she thinks she's better than everyone else, and that I have to file the report. But she's not. And I don't have to. But I'm being nice, and filing it for her...yada yada yada.
Cop: Files report, it will be available next week. Unless, it gets lost.
Me: Oh, one more question...(Perry Mason style) So, let me get this straight, you said don't investigate ID theft because it's there's just too much of it right?
Cop: yes.
Me: Tell your Sarg, I really hope he doesn't get that attitude for all the crack heads, rape and murder going on in this town, cause just imagine when the cops are "too busy" eating lunch to investigate those kinds of crimes. You won't have a town to buy your chinese food from after you've run everyone out. You know.. cause we don't wanna get raped.

* This story is much funnier told in person, since much of the awkwardness is seen in the snotty looks and long uncomfortable pauses.

I have an idea my police report will be reported as "lost" when I go on Friday.