"It's ok if you wanna play dumb, It's ok if you fooled everyone, It's ok if you wanna have fun"-KaiserCartel

How to Fake an Illness for a Day off Work.

Faking an illness, is an art, and like any art it takes practice, preparation and commitment. When executed poorly, you lose the respect of your supervisor. When executed properly, you enjoy your day off of work and no one's the wiser. I learned how to fake an illness during my three-year stint at "Anonymous Retail Store" during college.

• Pick a night where you work three days in a row. If you're on for the entire weekend, you must begin on Friday night. When you walk into the store, you know the cute security guard will be watching you on the camera as you come in . Take a deep breath, and dont' breath for as long as you can. When they see you on camera, just when you can't hold your breath any longer, your face will look pale and your eyes sick. The plan is in motion.



• Next look at your schedule to make sure you are scheduled for the next two days. With this plan it is best to not come in for the next two days. Also, make sure you know when you're next scheduled to work after this weekend. Awkward moment #9321, faking sick and calling in the next week to get your schedule and your supervisor picking up. So find out now.



• Throughout the night, when you know the security guards are watching the cameras, shiver, like you are cold. Later roll up your sleeves like you are suddenly hot. You can touch your forhead or grab your stomach as if it aches. Whatever you choose, just keep doing it throughout the night.



• While taking your dinner break in the break room, grab a couple of asprin infront of your supervisor, if possible. But anyone will do. That way, when you're not there tomorrow, Nancy will say, "Oh I saw her taking asprin yesterday...she said she wasnt feeling great.



• If your supervisor or anyone stops by, and asks how you are, say something like "I'm fine...I just am not feeling...well...like myself.



• On the way out the door, when you pass other employees start rubbing your head, like it's aching.



• That night, if you're not up anyway, set your alarm for 3 a.m. Call in and leave a message. You're up sick in the middle of the night, and are too sick to make it in for your Saturday shift. It's the middle of the night, they'll buy it everytime. Don't give specifics.



• Be sure to take off on Sunday too. If you are really sick, two days is more believable, right?



• Most importantly, remember that even perfect planning and execution can lead to an awkward conversation when you run into your supervisor on her lunch break grabbing Mexican food at the Hacienda.



• Whether you're caught or not, wait one month and repeat. After all, it's a retail job in college.
  

Awkward Moment #1034: Enjoying your beautiful summer day off of work while faking to be sick. And while grabbing lunch at your favorite mexican restaurant, you run into your Manager on her lunch break. Handing the bill to your mother, you cover your head with your oversized purse and run out the door, only to crouch behind the smelliest garbage bin until they leave.